Life will never be as I expect it. The fantasy version of the world I have created in my mind is destined for failure. It’s up to me to create a life that is deeper, that is real. That’s how I will become myself. The ideal I have created in my head will always bring nothing but disappointment. How do I undo the damage I have already caused? I am so tired of being hurt and getting my hopes up. I live in a dream world most days, wanting everything I have idealized to become fact. I will always feel agony. It is just a part of life. My pain hurts so deeply, I feel like I just want to disappear at times. I am scared of pain. I know how far it can push me, how terrible things can get and how hopeless I can feel. What I can control is who I let cause me pain. I have to figure out who will love me and my flaws. I need to know if they are truly worth the suffering. Someone that will be there for me no matter what. Is that foolish to believe there is such a person out there? I have never in my life felt truly loved by anyone. I feel so strange, like I don’t belong. All I have is myself but sometimes that doesn’t feel good enough. Is it so wrong for me to want to feel cared for? To have my feelings reciprocated? All I do is try to love people and all they do is hurt me. I want this vicious, self destructive cycle to come to an end. I need to stop day dreaming and come to the realization that I have to do what is best for me. I can either let this break me or make me into something better. Diamonds are made under pressure. I am on my way to becoming that rare gem. I just want someone to notice.