A river continuously flows. It is self-ruling and unconfined, constructing its own path over time. That is what makes it so alluring. It is a single entity, tranquil and undisturbed soaking in solitude. Now visualize that same river becomes obstructed by a dam. The dam is supposed to produce energy and be advantageous. In reality, the energy isn’t being produced, it is being drained from the natural environment. The dam is stealing, not creating. The river can no longer flow and be its own. It has been interrupted and now it is something it was never intended to be. It behaves in a way that is unnatural. It is no longer beautiful. It is no longer free. It is more alone than ever before.
I am a river.
I may be lonely when I am alone, but at least I am free. I will be with a group of twelve and feel more alone than when I was by myself. In my own company, I am not self conscious. In my own presence, I do not have to entertain other people or seem enjoyable all the time. I can feel the entire spectrum of human emotion, free from judgment. I can be myself. I do not have to force anything. My energy flows naturally, effortlessly. When I am around people, many times, this freedom is hindered.
Do not get me wrong, I have a passion for people. I love planting a smile on anyone’s face and making them feel loved and important. My tide has been low, I have felt hopeless and dejected so I understand how valuable this interaction can be. It seems to many that this is only a positive characteristic but for me it can be unfruitful. I will share my space and energy with just about anyone. This makes me vulnerable and susceptible to getting my own energy drained. The superficial interactions that this produces build a dam within me, causing my spirit to stop flowing. They steal my energy and make me feel drained without even noticing it.
The only time I feel real companionship is when I meet someone who understands this concept and allows me to be myself. This symbiotic relationship occurs when both spirits decide to merge together and become something stronger and more beautiful as one. This dynamic can be formed in friendships, family and romantic partnerships. In all of my relationships, I do not want to feel trapped or stagnant. I want to flow and I want the people I love and care about to be able to do the same. In fact, I want our rivers to converge. I want to flow with them and generate a strong current that constructs new routes for us to take. Even if we diverge once again, at least we can cherish the fact we made each other stronger and helped each other flow to places, we may not have reached alone. We created new paths, perspectives and experiences that others would have dammed. I will not sacrifice this comfort, in the long term, for anyone. I will break down every dam someone tries to erect within me. Peace, comfort and mental stability are way too precious to me.