Sadistic Lover 

I am going to start this post with a side note that will make you understand this situation a bit better. I was diagnosed with manic depression and bipolar disorder and have been struggling with it for years. I was in an extremely controlling and abusive relationship for almost two years that seriously dried up the few drops of self esteem I had left. I became brainwashed and felt as if I was losing my sanity.

“you’ll never find anyone else.”

“who would ever love you?”

“you’re ugly, fat, stupid and annoying as shit.”

At the same time, finding ways to throw my mental illness in my face. Even though you said all these things, you always wanted me. You always found your way back to me. It was scary how good you were at manipulating me. Your anger scared the shit out of me. You punched my dash board screaming how much you wanted to hit me, as if you were imaging my face in front of you . You choked me, I couldn’t inspire, I thought I was going to expire. My head being shoved into the window while I am sobbing and pleading to be let out of the car on the highway. Putting your hands on me as if I was your disobedient child. I was your prisoner. You often whispered you loved me and screamed you hated me within the same 24 hours. The police were called, each time I lied because my love was so strong. My friends and family begged me to leave, but I was under your spell. You would laugh with wild eyes during arguments as hateful words erupted from your mouth like Mount Vesuvius. You gained your power and control over me in such a sadistic way. I cried from the emotional pain, feeling my whole body ache. “I’m so sorry, I hate to see the pain I cause you, it will never happen again.”

The night I reached my lowest point, you left me all alone because you were tired of my tears. You did not believe the mental wounds that were being carved into my brain from you and my own diseased mind. They were not visible to the naked eye, therefore they were not real to you. I was your puppet and you were such a great puppeteer. Manipulation and desperation kept me trapped. I was a mouse stuck in a trap, slowly dying from malnourishment. My soul, mind and physical being suffered immensely. I was on the brink of death and you did not save me. You were supposed to be my superman but instead you were my kryptonite. I still bare the scars of this relationship to this day. I do not think he was a bad person deep down and I have learned to forgive him. However, I will never allow another person to make me feel that way. Looking back, I feel ridiculous for staying in that situation. Love is a powerful and dangerous drug, please use it with caution.

7 Replies to “Sadistic Lover ”

  1. This hit really deep, situations you mentioned I can compare, I was once that controlling, minpulating puppeteer. I was in deep love for her I didn’t want nobody in our lives but us two. She allowed many men to come between us, and I would lose it every time… reason why I became insane. Love is a drug, one hell of a drug… I started forcing myself to get her attention by hurting her mentally, shutting down her self esteem… never laid hands on her but mentally and emotionally I wanted to destroy her because I felt she owed me months, years of a relationship. I spent 2 years chasing her, till I finally lost it. I moved on, but kept both women in my life. Not man enough to let both women know, reason being one girl had all the things I wanted in a woman, but she didn’t have my heart, the other had my heart but nothing I wanted outside of that… I was confused. I dragged that situation for a whole year, until I finally let it out, I left the other woman advising her the whole year was a mistake & she didn’t deserved to be in the middle of this, & the love of my life well I admitted to what I did this whole time, of course I was the bad one. I went to church, prayed, cried, asked god for forgiveness because this wasn’t me, this is not the Edgar I am. I turned into a person hat had no soul, no feelings, no emotions, was straight dead. Slowly I gained my confidence, my self esteem, and mentally I prepared myself to be a better person. Today I am saved, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I am a Christian, and destined for greatness. I moved to Austin to start a new life and career… and I have to say I am happy. You should continue to write stuff like this….. really caught my attention and I can learn a few things from you, and maybe you can too…. thanks for your blog… 👌🏽

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  2. This blog you’ve created is beautiful, and I respect you so much for sharing such a personal narrative knowing you could help another person. You are strong, intelligent, and eloquent with your writing. I sincerely admire the strength you’ve had the whole time I’ve known you and this outlet you’ve created to share your own insight. I’m glad you’ve realized what you deserve in all aspects of your life, and thank you for everything.

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  3. Wow ❤️ You really touched me with this , not only that but encourage me to let it out and maybe that’ll help more then holding everything in . You’re very strong very strong !

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  4. You’re strong for sharing this side of life a lot of people are embarrassed to share! I’m glad to have you as a good friend and continuously see you grow!!! 🤗

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