I am going to start this post with a side note that will make you understand this situation a bit better. I was diagnosed with manic depression and bipolar disorder and have been struggling with it for years. I was in an extremely controlling and abusive relationship for almost two years that seriously dried up the few drops of self esteem I had left. I became brainwashed and felt as if I was losing my sanity.
“you’ll never find anyone else.”
“who would ever love you?”
“you’re ugly, fat, stupid and annoying as shit.”
At the same time, finding ways to throw my mental illness in my face. Even though you said all these things, you always wanted me. You always found your way back to me. It was scary how good you were at manipulating me. Your anger scared the shit out of me. You punched my dash board screaming how much you wanted to hit me, as if you were imaging my face in front of you . You choked me, I couldn’t inspire, I thought I was going to expire. My head being shoved into the window while I am sobbing and pleading to be let out of the car on the highway. Putting your hands on me as if I was your disobedient child. I was your prisoner. You often whispered you loved me and screamed you hated me within the same 24 hours. The police were called, each time I lied because my love was so strong. My friends and family begged me to leave, but I was under your spell. You would laugh with wild eyes during arguments as hateful words erupted from your mouth like Mount Vesuvius. You gained your power and control over me in such a sadistic way. I cried from the emotional pain, feeling my whole body ache. “I’m so sorry, I hate to see the pain I cause you, it will never happen again.”
The night I reached my lowest point, you left me all alone because you were tired of my tears. You did not believe the mental wounds that were being carved into my brain from you and my own diseased mind. They were not visible to the naked eye, therefore they were not real to you. I was your puppet and you were such a great puppeteer. Manipulation and desperation kept me trapped. I was a mouse stuck in a trap, slowly dying from malnourishment. My soul, mind and physical being suffered immensely. I was on the brink of death and you did not save me. You were supposed to be my superman but instead you were my kryptonite. I still bare the scars of this relationship to this day. I do not think he was a bad person deep down and I have learned to forgive him. However, I will never allow another person to make me feel that way. Looking back, I feel ridiculous for staying in that situation. Love is a powerful and dangerous drug, please use it with caution.